A crisis of faith
If I'm honest I've had 3 crisis of faith in my life.
My first time was during college, my final year studying a subject I hated and just burnt out on books and church activities(of which I was very involved). I saw a lot of great things happen and experienced a lot of high points, but I was loosing faith. At this time I was involved in a tragic accident and I lost my friend and co-climber Jason. We were a party of five climbing a mountain and sadly he slipped and fell to his death, I narrowly missed being pulled to my own death as another friend Tim pinned me to the snow in a heroic act to save me. I remember sitting in the snow for hours talking to God on top of a mountain...asking questions, wondering about life from now on. Crying everyday for the 2 years following.
My second faith crisis was in my mid 20s, I was pretty checked out. The daily grind, an unhealthy and boring relationship kept me sunk. The cares of life, my inability to communicate what was really bothering me. Not doing what I'd always dreamed I'd do with my life was starting to suffocate me in my small town. Before I could sink too deep I got pulled out of the mire and taken across the world to New Zealand. I know some of this was my own doing, taking a risk...leaving a life behind to find a new one. I did find a new life, new hope - new zeal. A wonderful person to share my life with.
Last week was really my most recent dip into what I can only describe as despair. Turning my back to God? Accusing him of not being all that the bible says he is. Questioning his motives, his existence, questioning everything. Pain does this to people. I'm not sure if this crisis was just to last the night or if I will struggle for a while. My guess, I'm going to be struggling for a while. Last week I got knocked around pretty bad, even for my standards. I'm pretty tough...some have called me stoic.
Even my sweet husband could understand this crisis I was going through, even if he didn't agree with my questioning, he understood that pain was pushing me to my limits.
The only thing I've been able to do is write, escape into someone else's make believe life. I've never felt so fragile. When Jason died I thought nothing could come close to the feeling of utter desperateness I felt. Surprise surprise...life had more bullets to throw at me.
I'm not sure how or if I'll come back from this. Maybe my commitment of faith was always a shallow, thin thread. Maybe there will be renewed hope. These are dark times and not even the Californian sunshine can spring me out of this.
My first time was during college, my final year studying a subject I hated and just burnt out on books and church activities(of which I was very involved). I saw a lot of great things happen and experienced a lot of high points, but I was loosing faith. At this time I was involved in a tragic accident and I lost my friend and co-climber Jason. We were a party of five climbing a mountain and sadly he slipped and fell to his death, I narrowly missed being pulled to my own death as another friend Tim pinned me to the snow in a heroic act to save me. I remember sitting in the snow for hours talking to God on top of a mountain...asking questions, wondering about life from now on. Crying everyday for the 2 years following.
My second faith crisis was in my mid 20s, I was pretty checked out. The daily grind, an unhealthy and boring relationship kept me sunk. The cares of life, my inability to communicate what was really bothering me. Not doing what I'd always dreamed I'd do with my life was starting to suffocate me in my small town. Before I could sink too deep I got pulled out of the mire and taken across the world to New Zealand. I know some of this was my own doing, taking a risk...leaving a life behind to find a new one. I did find a new life, new hope - new zeal. A wonderful person to share my life with.
Last week was really my most recent dip into what I can only describe as despair. Turning my back to God? Accusing him of not being all that the bible says he is. Questioning his motives, his existence, questioning everything. Pain does this to people. I'm not sure if this crisis was just to last the night or if I will struggle for a while. My guess, I'm going to be struggling for a while. Last week I got knocked around pretty bad, even for my standards. I'm pretty tough...some have called me stoic.
Even my sweet husband could understand this crisis I was going through, even if he didn't agree with my questioning, he understood that pain was pushing me to my limits.
The only thing I've been able to do is write, escape into someone else's make believe life. I've never felt so fragile. When Jason died I thought nothing could come close to the feeling of utter desperateness I felt. Surprise surprise...life had more bullets to throw at me.
I'm not sure how or if I'll come back from this. Maybe my commitment of faith was always a shallow, thin thread. Maybe there will be renewed hope. These are dark times and not even the Californian sunshine can spring me out of this.
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