Singing the Blues

I should probably write about happy positive things on  my blog.  It's an overcast day here in sunny California, so I'm being a little more introspective than  normal.  A few months ago I did a lovely painting.  I impressed myself with how vibrant and rich the colours turned out and also learning the new process of painting with acrylics.  I haven't truly created anything since then.  This disturbs me.
Why?  I guess I'm internally full of creative ideas.  Words, music and images.  I feel like a cork has stopped me up and I'm about to explode...the down side of this could mean I end up creating murals on the walls of my house, or worse I try creative cooking!

I guess we all go through phases in our lives where we are figuring stuff out.  I'm definately fully in one of those times.  Figuring out something about my talents and how to use them.  To bring God glory and actually do some thing I'm naturally gifted in, not just strive towards success in areas I'm clearly not talented in. 

I'm all for personality quizzes and the like.  I recently took a learning styles and intelligences test.  I think these are great if you are trying to narrow down ideas,life choices etc...

I guess I'm a very specific person.  Scoring about 73% as an auditory learner (read it out loud to me..or even better set it to music).  My intelligences were also very specific.  I'm not very good at most things and then apparently exceptional in 2 or 3 areas.  Music, Self-awareness and Problem Solving?!  I guess I'm like a human musical code breaker or something...anyone want to pay me to do this?  Probably not!

Thankfully my sweet patient husband is a good all rounder with exceptional people and linguistic skills!!!  We've been talking a lot these last few days about these discoveries, how our skills (or my lack of skills) affect our marriage.  How we can support one another better and really what direction my 'career', hobby/social life is taking.  I guess if I don't immerse myself in something musical I'm both not using the gifts God gave me and really not living.  I guess you could say I'm one with the music.  I can sit for hours ( literally hours), listening to the same piece of music tying to problem solve it...learning how it works, both melodically and rhythmically.  Other people don't do that?  I never realized that, I also didn't realize not everyone reads aloud in their inner head voice whilst reading.  I physically don't notice time passing when I do this music problem solving thing. 

Apparently I've been absent from my local social scene for about 6 months, I hadn't noticed....honestly.  I probably was sitting at home musical problem solving and didn't see the time pass by. 

I know there are other people like me so I'm not worried about being 'odd'  I've managed to adapt to live like other people really well, I'm from a  large family so had to socialize and went to school (although  I did listen to music on my headphones during the lessons)...the teachers never stopped me and no one else was doing it???  Maybe they realized it helped me work, but I sort of wish this had been communicated to me....music helps you, music is your skill, music is part of you.  I guess it was obvious to people around me, but nothing is obvious to me.  I guess I sort of known I've always loved music, but I never saw it as the one thing I could find the most success and satisfaction in.  I never pursued music as a career but I've always sought out musical friends.

I'm now at an interesting point in my life where I've been offered a great opportunity to be part of a professional musical team that practices music therapy.  I feel extremely uncomfortable and unsure about this as I basically haven't played music for over 6 years, really I listen to music and recently bought a piano so have started playing by myself now and then, but I'm so far behind in skill and experience that I feel very uncomfortable.  What I can say is that I need a music mentor.  I know I need a competent multi-instrumentalist to mentor me.  I need someone in my life who can understand the crazy in my brain.  I need someone I can discuss music with, and express myself musically around.

Believe it or not this is a huge revelation for me and I feel extremely uncomfortable knowing this about myself, owning that I'm an extremely odd person who isn't well adjusted, I can't cook, I loose track of time, I can't read people.  I rely heavily on the Holy Spirit to get through life.  Life a feather blowing in the wind.  I rely heavily on my sweet husband.  He reminds me to eat and to sleep and to stop working on my musical problem solving.  He reminds me to engage with people when I want to immerse myself in notes and rhythms.

We were burgled when I was 17.  Up to that point I'd collected over 200 compact discs, music that I'd handpicked from various music stores across the U.K.  Music I'd sought out and I had started creating a musical library.  That loss was pretty dramatic to me, although in the big picture of my family's life I know it wasn't a big deal...it was just a  few Cd's.  It's weird how things affect you.  A few years later a friend of mine crashed his car with all music cassettes in the trunk.  He never retrieved them and had his car destroyed.  My cassettes with it!  Recordings I'd made with friends, mixed tapes.  My musical history, destroyed.  Internally devastating to me, it wasn't that big of a deal.  I'm not sure if my family or friends really have ever understood my fascination with music, perhaps they saw it as a hobby or interest.  I don't think I've ever fully understood my fascination with music.  I began playing my parents black and white upright piano as a child, making melodies problem solving both western and eastern musical scales and retrieving them from memory as a small child on the keys.  My school invested heavily in music education and I'm thankful to my parents for investing their money and time in training me instrumentally.  The rigid classical style wasn't my fit, but it was offered to me and for that I'm grateful. 

I learnt about music notation, music styles, composition, conducting, orchestral scores, choirs....my first job was working in musical theater at age 15.  Later on I got to learn about sound engineering (all of which I've forgotten), percussion, staging and some of the tech stuff that goes in one ear and out again.  I know I need a team of people around me.  Apart from needing a musical mentor I know I need a team of clever people, techy people, but mostly people who care about me enough to help me find this missing piece of my life.  It's really weird having all these thoughts collide and surface in a way I can express them.  It makes me hugely uncomfortable, but also I know I'm in a  good place with an awesome husband who evokes liberty and joy.

There are lots of opportunities, for example joining the local orchestra as a violinist, playing piano at church, singing at open mike nights, joining the local musical theater group.  I know there is a lot out there.  Being such an introvert all these things actually terrify me.  So I'm hoping I can some how find some really kind patient people who will go on this journey with me.  Meet in my home, create music, study music, listen to music with me and enable me to find this missing puzzle piece in my life.  Help me maintain my life and music balance.