A Rainy Day in March
It's a cloud covered, wet, stormy day here in the mountains. I made a cup of organic Alaskan coffee and put on my husband warmest coat intending to write some thing incredible today. Instead I started reading a coffeebeings book review . What a great start to my day off. after a very uncomfortable week, physically and mentally I am happy to be in my happy place today!
We started the week hosted by our sweet farmer friends who fed us their most delicious organic beef, banana bread, a delicious wine I forgot the name of. I cried listening to our Pastors sermon...it was good intense, the kind of message that makes you evaluate everything inside and out and then re-evaluate to make sure you didn't miss anything. My husbands grandfather passed away. We had brown outs at work and lost our computers, roads were closed because of fallen trees and power lines, there is a flood watch because of the heavy rain...oh yeah and our living room roof caved in, it's fixed now.
At the turn of the year someone I loved dearly as a child passed away, you could say she was like a grandmother to me. I was too sad to talk or write about it. All my childhood memories have her in them, all our childhood photos have her in them. Not being present in the place where you've lived and grown up, people not knowing you are grieving, often because they never knew or have even met the person you have lost means I've internalized a lot of things normal people would disclose and talk about with family and friends who are also grieving.
I tried to be a good sounding board for my husbands family as they grieved this week and realized as I was listening, I've lost 2 friends, 2 uncles, my grandmother and my childhood nanna since I've moved to America. My 2 best friends both lost their babies within a week of one another. I'm not sure how I grieve for the people I love, but sometimes I think it just exits my physical body when I can't internalize it anymore.
Not having that family and friend support network here in America means I don't really have anyone to grieve with or talk to about these things, at least not in real time. I never imagined this a cost to living overseas. Saying that, God does provide...albeit it in unusual ways. On New Years Eve one of my husbands co-workers came over and he gave me such a comforting thought to remember the people I've known who have passed, by trying to and love like they did, He said it more eloquently. Sometimes sharing your grief will be met with great understanding and compassion...sometimes it won't. I remember driving to work after reading that morning about my friend passing. My face couldn't contain the tears spreading through the fabric of my clothing. My colleagues thought I'd been fighting with my husband and my 'grief' story was a cover...ridiculous people. My husband doesn't fight, he tells jokes.
Right now I'm battling some physical ailments, I have runners knee, I guess it's pretty common, but it's painful. There are other things too. My farmer friend thought I was dying of a chronic illness and was worried I didn't want to tell her...I'm not dying folks, not that I know of, but I have an unusual amount of physical pain. My work supervisor has been pretty supportive, or just a little distracted by her own life, letting me have time for appointments etc... but everyone else just uses it as an excuse to be mean...I love working with women, they really know how to support other women in the workplace! Thankfully my bosses like me and got me a present for passing my exams (which I had to hide from everyone, so I didn't get death stared at).
We have a lot to look forward to this year and I'm trying to focus on those argent moments, especially when people try and bring you down. I guess we are not doing something right if people don't hate us and persecute us? I hope I'm salty enough...that bright light emanates in the darkness.
Ok time to change my knee brace I'm loosing blood circulation!
We started the week hosted by our sweet farmer friends who fed us their most delicious organic beef, banana bread, a delicious wine I forgot the name of. I cried listening to our Pastors sermon...it was good intense, the kind of message that makes you evaluate everything inside and out and then re-evaluate to make sure you didn't miss anything. My husbands grandfather passed away. We had brown outs at work and lost our computers, roads were closed because of fallen trees and power lines, there is a flood watch because of the heavy rain...oh yeah and our living room roof caved in, it's fixed now.
At the turn of the year someone I loved dearly as a child passed away, you could say she was like a grandmother to me. I was too sad to talk or write about it. All my childhood memories have her in them, all our childhood photos have her in them. Not being present in the place where you've lived and grown up, people not knowing you are grieving, often because they never knew or have even met the person you have lost means I've internalized a lot of things normal people would disclose and talk about with family and friends who are also grieving.
I tried to be a good sounding board for my husbands family as they grieved this week and realized as I was listening, I've lost 2 friends, 2 uncles, my grandmother and my childhood nanna since I've moved to America. My 2 best friends both lost their babies within a week of one another. I'm not sure how I grieve for the people I love, but sometimes I think it just exits my physical body when I can't internalize it anymore.
Not having that family and friend support network here in America means I don't really have anyone to grieve with or talk to about these things, at least not in real time. I never imagined this a cost to living overseas. Saying that, God does provide...albeit it in unusual ways. On New Years Eve one of my husbands co-workers came over and he gave me such a comforting thought to remember the people I've known who have passed, by trying to and love like they did, He said it more eloquently. Sometimes sharing your grief will be met with great understanding and compassion...sometimes it won't. I remember driving to work after reading that morning about my friend passing. My face couldn't contain the tears spreading through the fabric of my clothing. My colleagues thought I'd been fighting with my husband and my 'grief' story was a cover...ridiculous people. My husband doesn't fight, he tells jokes.
Right now I'm battling some physical ailments, I have runners knee, I guess it's pretty common, but it's painful. There are other things too. My farmer friend thought I was dying of a chronic illness and was worried I didn't want to tell her...I'm not dying folks, not that I know of, but I have an unusual amount of physical pain. My work supervisor has been pretty supportive, or just a little distracted by her own life, letting me have time for appointments etc... but everyone else just uses it as an excuse to be mean...I love working with women, they really know how to support other women in the workplace! Thankfully my bosses like me and got me a present for passing my exams (which I had to hide from everyone, so I didn't get death stared at).
We have a lot to look forward to this year and I'm trying to focus on those argent moments, especially when people try and bring you down. I guess we are not doing something right if people don't hate us and persecute us? I hope I'm salty enough...that bright light emanates in the darkness.
Ok time to change my knee brace I'm loosing blood circulation!
Happy & sad reading this... love you!! :)
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